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What is going on…

After the blow up on Friday I began this document. I finished it today after careful thought.

There are a few things I need to get out and into the open. Writing
them is really the only way I can express them so this will have to do for the
moment. I have always tried my best to be transparent in most aspects of my
life and who I am. I never wanted it to come back to something like “Well she doesn’t
relate because she is too old” or some bullshit like that. So in that I have
never hid my age or something in my life, like my family. I am old enough to
have children the same age as some of my readers. For awhile a running joke was
“discord mom” the fact was I like talking to people regardless of their age. If
they had a problem and asked me I would listen and tell them what I thought. At
no point did I ever want to mother or dole out advice like I am some all
knowing sage. The fact is I have lived more than most people and seen and had
to deal with more things then most as well. I will always be there to help and
support people who matter to me regardless of age.

Another thing I just really want to get out is the reason I
started this blog. I was in the largest discord server for ikemen sengoku
nearly two years ago. I was only in it for a week. A week. A few of the members
either took an instant dislike to me or something to that effect but the thing
that really set them off was when a other member posted something in the “trigger
warning” channel about mothers and how they didn’t want to even hear about good
ones, it was too triggering for them. I have a problem with “Trigger warnings”
and I will be completely upfront about that opinion. When I use the term at all
I am being sarcastic. That doesn’t come accross on the screen but just know that
is what I mean. Now at the time I made a comment to address this TW but it blew
up. As a mother whose daughter was also in the group with me I said something
like I will just lurk and not post as not to upset this other member who was there
much longer than I was. I thought honestly I was doing the more adult thing by
saying I will be a lurker and if anyone wanted to reach me I would do dm’s but
the people who ran the server instead took that as shit posting. Their three
strike rule was tossed out the window when not only they “Banned” me, I left.
They also “Banned” my daughter as well. She did nothing but defend my position though
she really wanted to attack I said no and she backed down. We were not kicked, we
left. The group of people who ran this server though I do not know if they are
even in the fandom anymore didn’t stop there. Some members continued to harass
both of us. Some tried ways to get into my server to see if we were talking
about them. They set up an anon harassment campaign for me and my daughter. Here
is where it crossed the line for me. They doxed me. They called my supervisor. They
left “Bad” reviews for things in my real life like my book. The funny thing is
it isn’t a bad review and having your boyfriend or fiancé do it doesn’t mean it
is any better for you. I still continued though and tried really hard but the
one thing that really stuck with me was one comment, I have spent way to much
pondering that one comment. “Well it is understandable because a lot of us have
issues with our parents.”

That was from a grown woman the night before I was “banned”.
The thing that really bothered me was how did that effect me. I am not their
parent. I do not go around acting like a parent to people either.I only wanted
to talk about my undying love for Masamune. So why was that even said. It bothered
me for now two years. It isn’t like every person on the planet doesn’t have
some issue with their parents so what made this group think it was okay to
attack me for something I can’t control now. Sorry I have kids, I am a parent,
not yours but just one in general. The fact of everything important to this
part of the ramble is I had probably one of the shittiest mothers on the
planet. My father was their physically but never there mentally. That changed
over time but my mother never did. I think the reason I could be in an abusive
marriage to the point of him nearly killing me with both physical and mental
abuse, was I was conditioned for it from birth. I will not get into how my
mother set me up for that but I will say this. She was a 50’s beauty queen. She
was in all sorts of competitions and contests. She won nearly all of them
including being runner up for Miss Virginia for the Miss America pagent. She
was a beautiful woman. I am her identical clone pretty much. Lighter hair,
lighter eyes, but you get the point. When I was eight I told her I wanted to be
like her, she told me flat out I was too ugly and I had no personality. I heard
this my whole life. I was worthless. I was a mistake. To this day other people
still wonder why I left days after I turned eighteen without warning. She was
good at covering the abuse. Everything I did wrong as a kid or as a teenager
was to punish her according to her. She had me so wrapped up in myself and on
eggshells that I hated being alive. Not to mention at this time I was still
isolated from my peers because it wasn’t cool or hip to be gay and well even
though I loved men, I was a lesbian in the eyes of the other people. I have
talked about that before. People wonder why I have self esteem issues now or
why every day is a struggle for me to even want to get out of bed. The physical
pain doesn’t even phase me anymore but damn the mental pain can keep me in a
daze for days or weeks.

So I have also covered my ex-husband and the bullshit he has
done or worse after being divorced for over twenty years now, is still doing. If
you don’t know this check out my book Stalked. I won’t get into it here now.

Now so you think at 41, a mom of four, a wife of sixteenish
years, and other accomplishment I would be happy and not give a shit about a
few people who want to hate me for some stupid ass reason. The simple answer is
no. I can’t not care. As someone said in my comments “Deleting your blog would
be giving into the bullies.” Well they already won. They are in my head. With all
I have already reveled in this I will reveal one more thing. I moved to this
place because my husband wanted to move closer to his family, his new job,
basically where he is from so our kids will have a mix of where I am from and
where he is from. I understood that. He was not taking into his brain was he doesn’t
make friends. He doesn’t have people he cares about. He had nothing to lose by
moving far beyond where we had agreed he would retire too. Instead my whole
support system is two hours ahead of me and a three day drive at best away. I don’t
know anyone. I don’t even want to know anyone. I hate it here. I honestly hate
everything. Writing and getting lost in my imagination was the last coping tool
I had. Constant attacks on me, my writing, and the lies that are being told are
enough to make even a strong person say fuck it. Fuck it all. This isn’t me
giving up or giving in. This is me saying I have been attacked weekly for two
years only blowing up about it a few times.

This is me saying just because someone doesn’t openly talk
about all their personal issues doesn’t mean they don’t have them. This is me
saying those anons are in the fandom. They are people you reblog. You “like”
their stuff. Do you think you are not next? I have seen them go after a few
other people as well. Most stand up and make fun of it but it is well known they
are there. Do you think people need to have five, six, or seven blogs? Why do
you think they do? It isn’t because they just want them for different things.
Look around you in discord, on facebook, on Instagram, on twitter, they are
right there within your groups ready to come after you next.

Do you know why I am a target for them? It is something I have
called out before btw. You go after a person with special needs I will have a
problem. I will have even more of a problem if you do that while screaming and screeching
about your own mental health or sexuality issues. That is why. End of story. I stood
for what I believe in and I am attacked. Oh that I told one of them a blaring
fact. That fact however was between me and them. I was blocked shortly after, I
hope the truth doesn’t hurt to much when they get you in trouble. See I still
care. I have no patience for this. Their names, their blogs, their reblogs all
push me over the edge and actually to the point I am sick. Though good for weight
control not good for my health.

Writing for the last few months has been the only thing that
has kept me sane. I have been bedridden sick. I have moved across the country. Somehow
I am expected to be some super being, well I am not. I am not just a nameless
faceless writer. I am me. I have been open about this.

Right now as I write this I am not sure what I will do about
the blog. I don’t know if I can even open tumblr anymore without being ill.

***********************************************************

That was Friday night. Things were still very raw. Things were
swirling in my head that made perfect sense then and well they still do now. One
of my biggest personalities flaws is I get over things quickly and forgive, not
this time.

There are a few things that will happen to make sure I can
continue doing things. Safe guards that I will have to put in place and in the
process I will lose friends. Friends or my sanity? That is a hard call.

As I stated before seeing their blogs, all like fifty of
them, I still want to know why they have so many. But regardless seeing the
blogs themselves makes me sick. Seeing that people who are so nasty behind the
scenes to quite a few other blogs besides mine, blogs can get away with it do
to the anon tag. What is worse is the fact they rally against things and then they
are still widely accepted. I do have some issues with the anon tag though I do
get ninety percent of my asks from anon.

If I see you rebloging these people I am sorry but you will
be unfollowed and also but on the blacklist tags. I have tried to find a
setting that I can block them and blacklist them only but nothing works and
they are still there. Yesterday as I logged on because I have a few messages
they were the first thing on my feed, because again someone reblogged them. I see
at least one or two things from them a day. I can’t do that to myself.

Anon asks will be permanently turned off. This sucks but I think
after a year and a half, being doxed, receiving over five thousand “hate”
messages, I have made my point and I do not have to read that bs anymore. However
I do know how easy it is to make another account with no real name like the one
I received messages from yesterday so again I will address something that does
not pertain to tumblr at all.

If you have a problem with me that is fine. If I share
glimpses into my life you are getting a moment, a second, nothing more. If you
think you have the moral standing to attack my children or my parenting ability
I will tear your ass apart. I don’t care who I destroy in the process. Do I make
myself clear on that? Attack me all you want but for once you will have to
begin your smear campaign in the light. Hopefully you will either grow up or
you will be found out. “Light is the best disinfectant.” Well I hope it brings you
into the light and you fucking burn.

I still haven’t decided what I am going to do about the
people who copy my writing though. Another battle for another day. I mean
besides completely calling them out and making them look like shit which again
is not really my style. Oh and the anon who said I must be a sue happy bitch
that isn’t the case at all, I mean if you had people copying your writing and
taking credit you would just start a smear campaign for them, but trust me you won’t
have that problem.

I have been in touch with Tumblr on both subjects.

I have been extremely upfront on everything for me to
continue. I have enjoyed my time here, writing for you, writing for myself, and
inspiring others to join into the fandom and enjoy seeing comments and the love
shown. Unfortunately, there are a few that either can’t stand just being normal
human beings. I urge all of you to pay attention to the people who run blogs
you follow and servers you are in. If you don’t honestly there is nothing you
can do when they come for you next, and don’t worry they will.

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